Spring this year was and is a rich time for of personal growth, renewal of balance and harmony, and increasing light. In January, I participated in two vegetalismo journeys. Being recognized in the ceremony as an as an ‘emerging’ elder, my intention was reconnecting with my cosmological lineages that fed material evolution and the development of consciousness.
In the weeks that followed this ceremony, I was reading Blackfoot Physics, Nature and the Human Soul, and Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee. I soon became wracked with grief. Reading was difficult through the tears. I saw for the first time the taken-for-granted invisible chauvinism of my heritage: western egocentric, rational, analytical, fragmented and heartless way of coming-to-know. This seeing illuminated a deep split in my own being, a soul-level fragmentation, torn between two world views, seemingly diametric opposites, and they were at war within me. I had no context to depend on, no antidote to soften the pain.
The more I inquired into this conditioning, the greater was the personal despair; accountability dawned for pain and suffering both personal and global. The possibility of lineage healing, or right relationship, began to take shape. I became willing to bring awareness and attention to the various threads and streams of conditioning that were shaping this mind stream, noticing the release of conflict and belief that resulted. From all directions, linage healing possibilities began to show up: family, primary relationship, community, cultural heritage, and natural world. In conversation, friends would describe a similar movement in their own being. Everywhere everybody and everything was demonstrating the consequences of fragmentation, alienation, dispersion, and unbridled self-interest.
Two more ceremonies followed over the Easter weekend. On Easter Sunday, I sat with my younger brother, someone I have had an on-again, off-again relationship from the beginning. Even though he lives only two hours away, I had not spoken to him in 18 months, and very little more in the last 5 years.
The sessions seemed to be all about family, expressed in the intention circle and integration as well. Healing and forgiveness between family members, siblings, ancestors, and children was called for and received. These sessions were very difficult for me physically; I was overcome by enduring nausea which was not relieved by purging. Both nights, I finally purged during the integration period. On the last ceremony, the integration circle was just closing when I violently purged at last.
The curandero asks, “What was that?” I gasp out, “That is a knot of vile gall, dark, bitter, and acid that has been with me forever and ever – my entitlement to suffering, judgment and animosity.” “It’s truly gone,” he says, “and your release has liberated me and many in this room from a similar affliction.” And it is true.
As the season progresses, the world begins to show the signs of spring and the returning light. In May, two more ceremonies. The inner inquiry into lineage healing continues and relationships become increasingly intimate and rich. Working with my teachers is revealing an unforeseen capacity to transmit unconditioned awareness.
The first ceremony is pretty ragged; three curanderos this time, they are very tired and chaotic with each other and that yields a very impersonal atmosphere. We are in a large cold room and there are 20 of us. No intention circle is held and there is no integration, either. Dawn finally comes; I wake from a fitful sleep and one by one, we all scatter back out into the world. It is cold grey and windy.
The next night, Saturday, everything changes; a single curandero for this session. Now we are in the living room of a private home, only 12 of us, and the intention circle lasts for two hours. The sharing and intimacy is profound. My intention is to keep looking into this “linage healing,” asking for a vision of what is to be done to heal. I am hoping that “my” healing will spread outwards to the body, family, community and world. I want this healing for its self, most of all.
The medicine is strong; I am asking for a big dose. After 15 minutes, I am violently purging – unusual for me. Now an hour in, I am having some of the physical effects of the medicine: fractal patterns with eyes open, drifting internal visions, and I think to myself, this is going to be really good at last. And then the Mother, La Purga, asks, “Do you want visions or do you want clarity. You need only ask.” Holy shit!
There is no hesitation – I form the word silently: “Clarity.” I know that it doesn’t matter which I choose, but I must ask. A visual image comes with the question – an impersonal boon is offered with no preference as to the choice. A knowing arises that the choice is an offering of surrender, willingness, and love that would create one of a multitude of realities, all available to me. To create a particular reality, it is necessary that I ask, and all would be given. I am offered the sure granting of any wish I might form – it is already given in the asking. This wish-fulfilling gem is always available and creating our reality whether we are conscious of it or not.
As I ask for clarity, immediately the physical effects of the medicine drop away. I am sharply present and intently alert, and remain so for the entire night. No tiredness, sleepiness, or fatigue – completely present and in touch with every being, body and energy form in the room, with each aspect and particular of the collective energy field available to me. I’m seeing in the dark through clarity. I don’t sleep for two days, calm energy is flowing through the physical, emotional, and “spiritual” bodies, and there is no separation anywhere to be found, and there is no “after” with this.
Sunday evening and the sun has dropped behind Elephant Mountain and the sky is gradually becoming clear, changing from dusky blue to evening indigo. It’s been a day of shifting light, clouds, rain and sun, hail and snow showers over the valley heads. There is all around a deep feeling of peace and profound awareness in the house this evening – even the three cats are exuding an atmosphere of electric ease.
It’s been 24 hrs since we started the circle of intention together and nothing is as I had left it when I set out for Tracy and Ross’ house yesterday afternoon, yet nothing is different either. Awareness and clarity can do that. Something is just coming to the surface since the integration this morning. I now experience and recognize that this clarity is the ground for the healing I have been nurturing for the last 6 months. Healing in body, relationship, linage and world – all met by clarity. Even now, I have difficulty finding the depth of pain and suffering that was so predominate earlier in the year. I see that ordinary clarity is the “ultimate medicine” and the only possibility for right relationship with suffering, fragmentation and impermanence. So, my intention for the ceremony – to heal the splits and gaps in my being, linage, and world -- has been met beyond any expectation. All fragmentation is dissolved in clarity. I can choose clarity; I can ask for clarity, and in that instant, all is forgiven. Always. Clarity cannot deny itself. Is that not good news?
How did/does this happen? I don’t really know; many factors, auspicious events, histories, divine grace and the total evolution of the universe (known and unknown) all converged on the moment of choice to ask for clarity. In that room, the Mother facilitated a potent moment. The Mother’s life stream and mine, and all who were present, coming to focus on the moment of asking for clarity, and it is given, and it is received in the depths of my heart, and it is transmitted to all beings, given back a thousand times more. Clarity recognizes its self in everything, and I say, Chequiayo for this luminous impermanent existence.
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